The Real Housewives of Dallas Season 3 Premiere Was Everything And I Am So Hungry

Well Bravo certainly took their sweet ass time getting The Real Housewives Of Dallas Season 3 Premiere out to us but it was totally worth the wait.

d8879cda1e3e7b794fdaa8bd9e61fc7818150833eae3e493f6
 

While you and I were out enjoying our pitiful little peasant lives, these Bad Boss babes were not only making money moves but going through major life changes as well and they hit us straight in the feels right off the jump.

Ladies and gentlemen, Meet Baby Bruin Redmond and his to die for perfect chubby arm rolls. I am DECEASED from this photo.  #HimSoCute

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before Stephanie met Wreck it Ralph Travis Hollman (no shade Travis, WIR is freaking awesome) she was involved in Social work with Dr. James Mercer. Dr. Mercer is the super hot owner of Lone Star Social Services which is easily the biggest and best adoption service in Texas. Stephanie knew her BFF was trying to conceive so she called up Dr. Mercer and very quickly a baby was found.

You’ll be seeing a lot more of him on Bravo in the coming months. #AdoptionsByBravo

This angel among normal crappy humans not only found the baby boy that Brandi and Brian have always wanted but he actually placed with them a gorgeous baby with red hair and green eyes. If that ain’t great customer service then I dunno what is.

In the first scene we get to see home video footage of B & B going to meet Baby B and honey it was a TEAR JERKER. No less than 5 minutes into the show I’m ugly crying.

 

Next up is our first confessional with LeeAnne. She is serving up some purple orchid realness in what has got to be her best confessional look ever.

The dress, eye shadow and hair extension game is everything. Who the hell just walks around town all normal while simultaneously lookin’ like a flower?

LeeAnne MF Locken that’s who.

LeeAnne invites D’Andra to do some guided meditation on account of Lee’s obviously enlarged Amygdala. D’Andra is not here for this totally legit and Scientifically studied condition where this part of the brain can become enlarged through years of stress and trauma causing behavioral issues in adulthood.

I myself however begin to wonder if this brain abnormality can also cause fits of ugly crying at reality shows and unreasonable anger towards certain fast food joints that constantly forget to give me ketchup with my damned french fries. (DO I REALLY NEED TO FREAKING ASK YOU FOR KETCHUP WHEN ORDERING 2 LARGE FRIES!?)

I then make a note to myself to have my amygdala scanned as soon as possible.

 

I’m sensing some shade being tossed at Lee from D’Andra.

LeeAnne is sensing some shade being tossed from D’Andra to her.

I’m uncomfortable with this new dynamic so I sad-eat a Hostess cupcake.

 

Brandi heads out with Baby Bruin to do some new baby shoppin’ and Stephanie meets her at a baby boutique here in Dallas. The moment Stephanie sees Baby B she starts bawling, so do I.

Again.

 

D’Andra and Jeremy have their 4th wedding anniversary coming up and they go to taste the menu done by Lombardi’s. Sweet Baby Jesus did y’all see that filet with the bruerre blanc sauce and the asparagus and the salmon?!  Thank God they decided to get both the potato cake AND the crab cake.

I look at their plate and have legit anxiety at the thought of them having to choose one or the other.

I eat another cupcake.

 

Let’s talk about “Mama Dee” for a minute. Last season, with tears in her eyes she handed over the keys to her skin care company over to D’Andra, which IMO she should’ve done a long, long time ago. She’s clearly capable and has great ideas so, I mean c’mon.

 

Apparently since last season wrapped, Mama has now taken back the keys and the company.

WTF Dee?

via GIPHY

 D’Andra serves up the real tea on how their relationship has unraveled as a result of this savagery. Don’t know what it’s like in other states but here in Texas, your mom is the boss of you for your whole damn life. Turning 21 means very little around here, you do what Mom says with no sass-mouth. D’Andra is trying very hard to please this virtually un-pleasable woman and feels she’s getting nowhere.

I am not Mama dee’s  number one fan at this point. I realize a lot of y’all worship her but I would love to see some actual warmth from her towards her daughter. Jus sayin’.

Yeah, doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen anytime soon.

 

Now we get to check in with Kam Wescott and her pink dog food empire. Kam needs to get a distributor to get Sparkle Dog (pink dog food because obviously) really off and running. Her seemingly oppressive  part time h8r spouse Court rambles off all kinds of ear piss about how Kam needs to run her business. Boys are so stupid sometimes, ugh. Kam wants to set an example for her kids that you can in fact have a home and a family and a successful company and I think she’s gonna kill it. Beyond all her “I live in a pink bubble” nonsense, Diva is showing us that she 100% knows how to build a brand and hubs just doesn’t get it.

Maybe next time Court wants to be a hard ass and totally poop on his wife’s hopes and dreams, he could do it out of earshot from the kids. Just a suggestion, let your woman glow up dammit.

 

Now LeeAnne and her Completely Awesome Silver Haired Hunk of a Crime Fighting Pirate Fiance have a chat about LeeAnne’s friendship with Cary. Y’all that man is so handsome AND he fights bad guys, rawrr.)

Rich encourages Lee to reach out to Cary to try to mend fences and I am HERE FOR IT. I am personally invested in this story-line because I kinda know and love all parties involved, Lee and Cary and Mark Deuber. These are three really cool and genuinely kind people and I desperately need them to be friends because in my mind we are all best friends that just never get a chance to hang out.

Yes, I realize I lead a very sad existence.

 

Brandi and Stephanie meet for mani/pedis and we find out that Brandi is pissed at D’Andra. D did a podcast with Kate Casey a few months back and Kate asked her if she was feeling the pressure to be perfect now that she was on Bravo. (Who wouldn’t?) D gives an answer along the lines of “Hell yes.” She goes on to say (paraphrasing here) All the housewives are on Adderall. I didn’t hear, nor did I infer that she was speaking about any one HW personally least of all Brandi. I assume she was referencing Bravo chicks in general (I mean c’mon, we all watch Vanderpump Rules, lady makes an excellent point here.) But Brandi is understandably offended because she relies on the drug for legitimate medical reasons.

We also find out that Brandi has unsubscribed from her friendship with LeeAnne.

That.

Shit.

SUCKS.

When those two were friends it was a hoot and a holler and let us not forget that when Brandi was heartbroken over her temporary unfriendship with Stephanie, Lee was really there for her and they became quite close. So yeah, I hate this. Stop the madness ladies.

 

Last season Cary was making a huge effort to stay home with her Adora-baby Zur, who I (#FunFact) had the privilege to “play stuffed animals” with when Dr. Deuber served my poor sad self one of the best meals I’ve ever eaten.  We made a fort and had all the fun. (Hey Z!!!)

Now Boobs By Deubs has expanded with a state of the art full service laser clinic and Boss Babe Cary is running it. YAS girl werk! The more time with Miss Z the better and now she’s got her mornings free to play.

Lee and Cary meet for coffee. Lee is desperately trying to make amends. At first Cary is not having it.

Cary and Mark are both still upset that LeeAnne repeated some false rumors that swirled around Dallas for a while about how their marriage began. LeeAnne totally understands their anger and offers a beautifully sincere apology to Cary and homegirl eventually seems very receptive but I can’t really focus on that because Carys’ biscuits and gravy just arrived and it is ALL I can think about.

I hope they can work this out so me and my imaginary besties can all have a lovely dinner prepared by Chef Doctor Deuber in his badass new kitchen. Have y’all seen his new freaking stove?

It’s the stuff of dreams.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s time for D’Andra and Jeremy’s’ anniversary party and on the way there Lee playfully pokes at her Sexy Pirate Fiance to go on and get hitched already. Dude chokes on his water. I’m inclined to think that he’s just messing with her, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

 

Mama Dee walks into her DAUGHTERS anniversary party and brings the shade almost immediately and I feel really bad for her. D’Andras’ look at this party is fierce as all hell. Her dress looks like it probably cost at least a few of my mortgage payments.

I look at the holes in my American eagle sweatshirt and drowning in self loathing grab the last cupcake

Fml.

 

Now Mama Dee is telling her daughter, who she hasn’t spoken to in weeks, exactly what she needs to say at her own damn party. FFS Dee can we just let the woman live for one evening? Nope.

 

The episode wraps up with Lee and Steph getting wine wasted and having a ball at the fun table and I’m living for it. The thing I love about the Dallas franchise is that (imo) when these chicks are all having fun together, that is when the show is the most interesting. Unlike other cities where it’s boring as hell until the fur starts flyin. Remember Sexual Chocolate? (lol, you know you clicked it, perverts)

That shit was hilarious. 

 

In the final completely cringy moment of the show D’Andra inexplicably calls Rich The Sexy Pirate out in front of the whole party suggesting he should just up and marry Lee at her party.

So awky.

They seem embarrassed and I am embarrassed for them.

Let me know what y’all thought of the episode in the comments. 

P.s. Please follow me on IG, ‘ trying really hard to get the swipe up feature.🤓

www.instagram.com/southdallasfoodie 

You might also enjoy the completely random collection of kick ass products in my Amazon store!👍🏼